I don't want to know if you are lonely

I'm still desperate to find you. You're in the same room, you're right in front of me. But we both know you're mind is wandering somewhere else.
Scan the room and sets of eyes, hoping to find some familiar ones that might still have a hint of love in them.
Jealously gets the best of all of us. Scan sets of eyes, only to find yours on someone elses.
And I could write (type) out the most beautiful, poetic set of words to tell you how much you mean to me, even though you don't know it. And you wouldn't know it. I don't know how i feel about this anymore. We're both changing. But I still feel exactly the same.
Maybe I could tell you how I find hope in your smile. Maybe I could go on about how it's our little conversations that keep me going some days. Or the memory of them. because in those conversations, we found something. a connection. I could probably babble on more about how your presence alone gives me chills, but I do not feel cold. This is all souding cliche. But it's ok, because you're going to be reading this, and everything I'm saying is going to slip through you like the sand in a broken hourglass. You won't comprehend. You won't understand. Then again, does anyone understand any of this? It's like the sand in the broken hourglass. Why worry about the time because for us, it was never there to begin with.
Why am I still here dropping hints like so? Why do I bother? I have so many questions for both you and myself. When I'm with you I never bother asking those questions. In that moment being there is enough. More cliche words: As soon as I'm with you it just all makes sense. Are you aware? Of course not. Why?
I saw the way your eyes scanned the room as mine did. But we were not looking for each other. Your mind was wandering. Places you'd rather be, people you'd rather see. My apologies for not being everything you wanted.
I just hope your happy.

I think a part of me wants to apologize

But another part thinks that's your job.
I hate seeing you so alone.
I think this last week in a half was the hardest I've had in a long time. Not the hardest ever, oh no. But I was doing so good, and felt so happy and alive. And what made it seem worse, was no one would come over, or even call to console me. Not that I needed a bunch of consoling, or expected people to do it. I mean it's always just nice to have a friend there.
But the point is, today wasn't all bad. Little things scattered throughout the day seemed to give me hope. Real hope too, if you can competely etablish the difference between false hope and real hope.
The bags under my eyes mark how long it's been
kind of like how you can tell a trees age by it's rings.
When i do close my eyes
all I see is summer
and I can almost smell your scent.
And I thought about all those moments when a "wish you were here" didn't even seem to cut it.
Gloomy days and gloomy smiles, that somehow get us by. Finding hope in each other, in the fact that the other one is as miserable as the other, and we're not completely alone.
A part of me misses the way your words always had such meaning, every time they'd slowly trail off your lips, and all the passion in your eyes. But there's that other part of me that knows it was never really gone. There's the days when I think it's all hopeless, but I know you're always there for me, even when I didn't believe it. One thing I learned these past few months, I'm always loved even though it rarely feels like it.
I want to live again. Let's re-ignite the passion in our eyes. Fall back in touch. Two teenagers who don't give a damn about the world around them. Carefree. Rememeber how we used to be?
I was thinking the other day that everything happens for a reason. Like I was meant to know every person I do. And if somehow the relationship failed, the reason was that I learned from it and grew. I really think there's a reason for all of this....
ox

A new perspective

This is the first time I think of all this
with a smile, instead of all the tears
I'm glad it all happened, and that I grew.
And it's almost ok that it's all gone.
Just because I can make new memories with new people.

It was our talks about life, and how we said we were convinced the world was in it's descent. It was the 10pm coffee binges, while our hands were intertwined. The funny thing is then all we could do was complain then. It was the running through the puddles, and you laughing at how I stood in the rain hours on end. Then there was the time I stood in the rain for hours, waiting. It felt different without you. It was going to the latest showing of the latest possible movie just so we could spend a bit more time together. It was talking about our favorite artists, even though we aren't ones ourselves. We were in our own way. And I still smile every time I think about the wishing well. Every wish i made for you. Because when all this was going on, all our talks, and connections, there was something missing. And every wish was for us to find it. But that's what happened, we didn't. Every penny was wasted. And how the late night conversations got earlier and earlier every night. You told me I was a good girl. I'm still trying to figure it out.
This time around, no pennies will be wasted.

speaking of wasted...that last blog entry makes me laugh, oh the memories. It's been too long.
exoh

There's nothing like eating oatmeal at midnight

What am I to you? I'm sorry but I don't take it back.
Love me and I'll love you

"They looked at each other in a strange way. They took a walk, "let's be alone" they'd say. They were together. They fell in love. They kissed. They promised each other forever. It was beautiful. It was what everyone wishes for. It was all a lie. "
My eyes shut and my ears opened to the sound of the radio. My mind shut down, my mouth opened only to breathe. The only things that were open were my ears and my heart.It's amazing how those two things can go together so well.Evaluating and analyzing. It's enemy VS. Friend. We're all liars in the end.

This could be my year.Keep your fingers crossed, and your eyes closed. This is our time to take chanes. Have fun. I would say "don't get hurt" But we all know that's bound to happen. Make the magic happen, don't let it whisk you away.
Something about you scares me, it's the thing I don't want to be a part of, but the thing I crave more than anything

I've always wanted to be the person who people come up to and say "you have such a way with words." But I gave up on that just like you gave up on me. There are so many people I swoon(ed) over, but none swoon over me. All I want is one person to turn it all around, will you be that person? Can you be the person who gets my heart racing, but at the same time remains lost for words in my presence? Can you be the person I run to when I'm sad, and your only concern is to help me someway, somehow. Can you be the person who tells me I'm beautiful, and truly mean it. Can you be the person who gets nervous around me, but still never leaves my side. Can you be the person who stays with me through thick and thin, and promises me forever, and lives out that promise. Can you be the person to listen to all my dreams, and make those dreams come true? Of course not, people like that don't exist anymore.Could you be the person to change that? Hold my words in your heart and hands, and I will fake the best smile I can. But really, I can only fake so much. Pretty soon you fake it to the point where it's believed by everyone including yourself, but sometimes you fake it to the point where you feel an insane amount of guilt for living a lie, and you want to end the lie. Sometimes the lie has gotten to big for you to undo it with the truth, so you just stop it all together.That was almost me, don't let it be you.This is who I really am, the simple girl, whose mind is so complex. Who people think they will never be able to understand, but are just looking to hard. I'm the girl who every guy says is a great friend, and all the other girls say they envy my beauty. But I'm the girl who's always alone, no matter what. I'm the girl who kicks the guys butt on the football feild, and can play a mean guitar solo. I'm the girl who wishes upon stars, and hopes for a better life. But I'm the girl who will never get it.

I think this gets the award for the most jumbled entry yet.
But you still tolerate me, right?

long time no update

It's funny how we're both in love with disaster.
Hold hands until they're numb. Trying to get something out of this. Nothing.
nothing.
nothing.
Losing contact with people I never dreamed I would.
And all these words are slipping out of your mouth. Maybe you mean them, maybe not. But it's making me insane trying to figure out the truth. You say it is, but it almost makes you seem like more of a liar.
the moon makes me think of old liars and new truth-ers. It just occured to me that maybe "truther" isn't a word because there's way more liars out there. Now it seems like we're going back to the being in love with a disaster.
People like that must exist, the ones who slow down for the car crash. I've been talked to, people have shown interest in me. People must love disaster.
I sleep in my jeans and old makeup. I never bother looking nice for anyone because whats the point? I always slur my speech even though I never drink. I curl my toes every time I talk to you because an old therapist said it helps hold off anxiety attacks. Every time I see a falling star, I don't make a wish, all I do is say your name, and hope whoever the wish giver is understands. I want truth-ers to exist. I am conivced people are hopeless, but so am I, because I hope all of it can change. I keep the same song on repeat every night. Maybe it's because I hate change. But I'm so neurotic it makes me laugh and cry both, depending on the night. I take two showers a day, brush my teeth three times a day for five minutes. I just hate feeling dirty. Once again, I'm just so damn neurotic. Just like the time I came home, showered for an hour, and brushed my teeth for a good ten minutes. I was hoping to get your scent off my skin, your taste out of my mouth. I don't sleep. I lay awake in bed, once again, being hopeless, hoping for something better, but in all reality I have a wonderful life that I am content with. I guess it's the whole the grass is greener on the other side. And I know this sounds crazy, but sometimes I sneak out to the spot we met and replay everything we've been through. And by doing so, I realize- maybe some one else can fall in love with disaster, but I don't know if I can. As everything I just said proves, I'm enough disaster for both of us.
mmm....
time to go. Before I think of more things wrong with me.

all we are is too fast for love

i'm all sore from being poked to death and my stomach still hurts from that last anxiety attack.my head is spinning. there are way too many thoughts in there. and I'm starting to feel like the many pennies I threw in the wishing well were a waste. same with all the thoughs that were about you. I used to say I'd be here waiting for you, but dammit, I just don't know. because really people like us are just hopeless. Can't get anything right. I was attracted to a train wreck...kind of like how people slow down to see the car crash. In awe. I guess there's still hope, there always is in everything. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't fall for many people at all. Liking someone for me is rare, but when I get attached, it's serious. There's reasons I fall so hard. And everytime i try to give another boy a chance I only end up comparing him to you.
the summers almost over. I want to end it on a positive note.

I want to

I want to lay under the stars with you
talk about how crazy we are about life
share ideas
make connections
drink cheap coffee
and talk about all the possibilities we have.
I want to dance in the rain
and not care that we get wet
I want to live.
I want to share experiences with you
try new things that I wouldn't have done if I hadn't met you
hold hands just because we can
talk about all the things we're passionated about
because you see, people like us don't just have hobbies or interests
we have passions. Live life to the fullest
let the fire burn inside of us
and never burn out
we'll be known as the kids who are crazy
about life and each other
or even just crazy
but we'll be damn proud.

Oh, yet another thing I didn't write right now

copied and pasted from my buzznet.
I really want you to read it. My message must get across.
You know, I'm crazy about you


I was begining to miss this
Pointless conversations begin to mean something.
silly thoughts start to seem practical.
Why do you think I'm getting this attached to you?
Our eyes transfixed upon each others like our lives depended on it. We couldn't see to well in the dark, but the moon and stars helped us out. Sifting. Left to right. Think quickly before I say something too stupid. I end up telling a random story from my day. The wonderul thing is you still seem interested. Babble on more, just because awkward conversation is better than awkward silence. We're slowly learning more about each other, even though I'm certain that no matter what, I'll never figure you out. Take a step closer. No, too close, now take one back, right where we started. You say something intelligent, and I can only nod. After a while, I say I understand. I understand, and I really mean it. It kind of scares me. You say you have to go do more important things, I nod, but not in agreement. Walk away, the last ten minutes going through my head. Someone told me not to get too attached. You know I've never been one to listen.
I feel like I should say thank you for something, but I'm not sure what.
3am.
goodnight

This is what I do
when I'm waiting patiently for any means of communication from you.

Looking at the stars outside
'Wish you were here' doesn't even cut it
replaying all your words, in which I abide
wrap my arms around myself because your not here to do it.

Let's stay wide and starry eyed
But let's do it together
Let's sit and confide
in each other like it'll be like that forever

I hope we'll get it right this time
Even though I was really the only one screwing up the whole time.
<3<3

Extreme ups and downs

Right now it's up.
Amazing feeling right now. A far cry from how I was a few days ago.
But nothing much has changed. I feel the same way about the same boy. He still doesn't care. but my outlook has changed, I guess.
I was listening to smashing pumkins on my lunch break today. The point is, while eating my veggie wrap, I felt amazing. Like something just clicked, if that makes sense.
I miss old friends, I hope to see you soon.
I love new friends, I'm glad I see you.
The other day I almost hopped on a bus that would take me down valley, Just for no reason. Getting away sounded nice. Something spontaneous. But I was about 1 dollar short.
I want to get out of the house. I want to live. But right now it's 11 pm and pouring rain.
let's fall back in touch and love.
xo

Maybe

Just maybe we can own the world together.

Or act like that.

I wanna be unstoppable.



What happens when conversations and possibilities run out?

I'm just going to try to live in the now

Forget it

My impatience is already getting the best of me.
I'm going to take an ambien, and clock out for the night.
I'll deal with all this in the morning.
goodnight.

So oblivious

I'm so scared of giving up. But that possibility is looking greater.
I knew i've always set my standards too high.
I'm a wishful thinker (with the worst intentions)
Some say I keep my head in the clouds, but I don't mind. Maybe it's good.
One person told me I always look like I'm waiting for something.
Aren't we all?
Another told me I always look like I'm daydreaming. Of course I am.
I want to break the rules.
I want to keep my head in the clouds.
I want to do something that gets them talking.
But what?
You tell me to take chances (everyone does, actually) but what are you doing?

"Caller 10 with the loudest cry for missing an act of fate
And you and I end up where we're not supposed to
We all have a match if we can make the connection
So when your time comes make sure you're paying attention to it
She's sitting on the other side
He sees her as he's walking by
Oh no, there's a chair ahead
And he falls down,
his face is red
And she laughs and goes back to work
And for him it's no surprise
Oh no, she lost her chance
Because she didn't catch his eye
Caller 10 with the loudest cry for missing an act of fate
And you and I end up where we're not supposed to
We all have a match if we can make the connection
So when your time comes make sure you're paying attention to it
You gotta keep your eyes so open wide
Look left to right
Look up and down, turn around
Because you never know when lost becomes found
Look left to rightLook up and down, turn around"

I need to take some kind of break.

xo

One thing that makes sense in my life

I've met someone I'll wait for.
How many times have I said "i'm tired of waiting on/for you" Maybe I'm just impatient.
But there he was, sitting there like he owned the world. Probably unware of so. And now I'm waiting. But I don't mind this time.
Make me feel important, loved, and all the things noone else has done before. And I feel like I can finally stop dropping subtle hints.

Kiss me in a way that clark gable would have admired.
lovelovelovelove
kaylyncheyenne

Let's prove all of them wrong.

Let's live through this.
It's weird, I'm terrified of both living and dying.
I stay living because it's the roller coaster kind of terrifying. Like an adventure.
Dying is like the natural diaster kind of terrifying. Nothing exciting about that.
I want to sneak out tonight for no reason. Go watch the stars. Pretend someone's there.
I hate how two faced on person can be.
Why do you think I gave up on you.
I'll never give up on me.
New beginings....I talk about them alot.
But I think something's going to happen soon.
Let's shake up this town. Let's shoot down the stars.

teared stained eyes aren't what they appear, its the starry eyed kid that will persevere.

Let's crash a party in good timing and a good name

I want to connect with someone.

I want to be made for something. Fuck what the palm reader said. I can do this. I will.
What can I say? I'm a determind kid.
Why do you think I'm still here?
This is one of those days where I want to prove everything everyone said about me wrong.

Let's hurry before the party's over