Living through history

I have to say, today I was watching the Michael Jackson memorial. I was honestly crying most of the time, especially toward the end. But then I thought, why? If you think about it, this is ridiculous. Sure, it's sad, but I didn't know him. But thats the thing. Once in a while an entertainer comes along that is such a big part of your life and culture. Some of my first music memories were listening to michael jackson. He's one of the people I thought would live forever. needless to say, so I don't ramble on, I am upset about this. And it's weird to think this is going to be one of those historic events that I tell my kids about someday, and say this is what happened, this is how I felt, and this is how it affected me. I really should be growing tired of him. i've been listening to nothing else and viewing nothing else but his videos, but I"m not. Because I don't think thats possible.
But onto other things, in my own life. I go back and forth on the feelings about the monotony. Part of me wants to escape it, before it's too late. The other part of me loves that i have something stable to hold on to. I'm about halfway through my summer, and I'm dying for a little more excitement. I keep replaying the last few summers in my mind, and question why this isn't like that. But then i realize that this is now, and i'm older and (maybe) wiser and the same things can't happen. And they won't. I'm not the same naive girl who clung onto your every word and lingered on all the contact you gave me. Then again, a part of me still wishes I was. Ignorance is bliss? I've been working so much, I feel so much older than I am. Wheres this person who's going to make me feel young again?
The truth is I have always hoped to find solace inbetween those lips and sheets. Trying to squeeze into hearts that didn't give a damn. The sweat and the secrets that were never meant to slip. Sometimes people weren't meant to be, but they find a way. Or maybe they were meant to be, but are too stupid to realize it. So we resort to what we were. Gliding through life backwards. because it's this summer and I wish it wasn't.
RIP king of pop...
love always
kaylyncheyenne

Y por que ahora?

Why now? Because I started this blog two summers ago, and this summer just feels like a repeat of that one. Just the same feelings are returning, I find myself in the same place. Seeing the same people and places. It's still you. And I still use the vague use of You, because it still is you and it will always be you.
It's the fourth of July but it feels like a melancholy valentines day with a little more sunshine.
I really wonder if I'm not the only one who feels like I felt today. We were all sitting at a park, for reasons unknown, reading cosmopolitan, which makes us that much more awkward. Sometimes I wonder if we're still trying to find the balance. Surrounded by children but having the most adult conversation. Talking about our explicit (mis)adventures. Ah, sexually frustrated teenagers.
But in the midst of all this joking, laughing, and "Shh, not in front of the kids" it still came over me. The feeling of lonliness that really seems inevitable. The feeling that even though I"m surrounded by people I care about, someone else should be there. Maybe this is the age where its time to seek out this person, whomever they may be. Maybe it's time to move forward from this awkward state we're in. But where is this person. I'd like to think he is another lost soul floating around feeling these same things, that we're meant to find each other. (I don't care how corny and cliche I make this sound) So where's this other, lost floating soul? Sometimes I have the feeling it could be someone I knew along (do you?)The one who finds me full of grace despite my bandaged blisters and bruises. The one who won't care that i never sleep at night. The one who doesn't mind ramblings such as these.
It's the fourth of july, and I feel like I should go out. But then again, I hate the fact I feel obligated. I'd rather stay in and continue listening to Nirvana. Honestly, I'd like to think wherever, whoever, this other lost soul is, that he'd also rather be at home listening to Nirvana.
Regardless of all this, I am so utterly content with my life right now. The thing that gets me is I want to share this contentness with someone else.
One last thing before I go. Since I'm the only one who hasn't talked about it. Michael Jackson. I'm not one of those people who jumped on the Michael Jackson band wagon once he died. I always was and always will be a fan. But it doesn't bother me the peole who did, because he deserves to be remembered and celebrated. It was quite eerie, I was actually listening to him a few hours before I heard he had passed. I'm weird about death in general, but this is the first time I've ever been upset over a celebrity dying. And for the record, (in some old news) I truly 100% believe he was innocent.
I shall leave now with a quote- "The most amazing thing is when you make a list of everything you want in a partner. Then you meet someone who is the complete opposite, but love them just the same."
-love
-kaylyn

You don't know what now to do, 'cause the chase is all you know

On june 23 I wrote "New beginings....I talk about them alot.But I think something's going to happen soon" if only I knew then how right I was.
on June 29, I wrote "I've met someone I'll wait for.How many times have I said "i'm tired of waiting on/for you" Maybe I'm just impatient.But there he was, sitting there like he owned the world. Probably unware of so. And now I'm waiting. But I don't mind this time."
the thing is, I didn't think I'd be waiting this long. And I still don't mind, and it's scaring me. There are times when I think it's slightly pathetic to still wait, after all, if nothing has happened by now, it probably never will. But boys like him don't come around to often, almost never. I still believe there is hope for everything. My friends say it doesn't make sense. The whole me not giving up. this has lasted longer than a lot of relationships had. But the thing is, when you meet someone like this, you can't just wake up one day and say "this has gone on for too long" and make the feelings disappear. And I suppose most normal people would have told him how they feel by now. But, let's face it, i"m not quite normal. And I"ve really thought about it. But he's been going through some rough times, and i figured, right now he just needs a good friend to be there for him. And I"m going to do that. He doesn't need another girl chasing after him to feed his ego. I'm not sure if that's a good way to look at it, but it's how I see it.
So I guess I'll keep on waiting, and hope something works out, or someone else comes along as great as I made this person out to be.
I've been keeping up this blog for about 8 months now. maybe 9. I don't think I've changed too much. Maybe I have matured, but with everything that's happened, I had too. As you probably figured, I still feel the exact same about the same boy. But maybe it's gotten stronger as I've gotten to know him more. I still talk too much. I'm still optimistic about almost everything. I kind of wish I had changed just to keep up with everyone around me. But then again, I'm quite satisfied with being myself.
long enough, eh?
ps. -I kind of hope you read this.

I'm not going to apologize for never posting here

because I already have enough apologies to make. It's interesting...how much you can fuck something up in just a few hours. a lot has changed since I've talked to you. I kind of wish that you realized when i called you, "do you want to chill?" meant something more. Not exactly an "I need help" but an "i've had a rough day and want someone there" I understand you were busy. Busy doing other things, with other people. But I'm starting to think if I had done one thing different, called one other person, I wouldn't feel so terrible now.
You see, it was one of those days where everthing should have been great, but something felt off. I kind of wanted to relax with someone; I miss connecting. Instead I ended up being selfish and hurting someone I really care(d) about. I guess this is the point of all of this-I'm sorry. You know who you are. There's really no excuse for what I did. And I know I"m human and as a homosapien we're going to screw things up. And as humans we're going to try and blame other people, for our own faults. When we do fuck up, we have to accept in, apologize, hope for forgivness and move on. So this is where the apology comes in.
Onto lighter things-
Well, I can't think of any lighter things.
I'm curious though- is there something wrong with me? I've been nothing but a good friend to you. I've been there for you, and let you know that whenever you need me I'd be there, just like that. I hate people being upsept, especially you. But instead of coming to me, you run to whatever girl it is this week. And after that doesn't work out, that's when you come to me. I listen to you talk about how great you thought she was, but how something was wrong. I just want to kow- what about me? There is something wrong with me. (other than me being the needy person I am)
I need to stop being so hard on myself.
ok bye

it's about that same damn boy

You know i'd kill to have the feeling I have when I'm with this one person. It's an amazing thing when you can feel that happy just being with one person. Not doing anything, not talking, but the fact that they're there just makes it alright. A part of me really wishes I could get over this person. I sit there staring at him, trying my hardest to find reasons to not like him. but I only find myself falling in love with all of his oddities. Every time telling him crosses my mind, he somehow seems to drop subtle hints that he doesn't think of me that way. Or maybe I imagine it. Maybe it wasn't supposed to work out at all. But then why am I feeling all of this? Why have i had this strong of feelings this long? It's just getting so fucking frustrating.

i don't really know what else to say because it's getting so redundant.

Keep smiling. really, I love your smile.

I know the timing isn't great, but these things you just can't plan

Don't think I haven't noticed all those looks you've given me. Looks like that have to be genuine. True? I'm dying to hear the word yes. You can have the best of me, although that isn't saying much because there are times where I feel like the biggest fuck up ever. And if you really think about it, you are the best of me.

I know it, doll. We both have secrets. Mine? I'd die for you. And I don't even think that's an exageration anymore. And maybe when you're reading this, you'll feel terrified, in a way. But then again, I'm terrified.

I don't want to know if you are lonely

I'm still desperate to find you. You're in the same room, you're right in front of me. But we both know you're mind is wandering somewhere else.
Scan the room and sets of eyes, hoping to find some familiar ones that might still have a hint of love in them.
Jealously gets the best of all of us. Scan sets of eyes, only to find yours on someone elses.
And I could write (type) out the most beautiful, poetic set of words to tell you how much you mean to me, even though you don't know it. And you wouldn't know it. I don't know how i feel about this anymore. We're both changing. But I still feel exactly the same.
Maybe I could tell you how I find hope in your smile. Maybe I could go on about how it's our little conversations that keep me going some days. Or the memory of them. because in those conversations, we found something. a connection. I could probably babble on more about how your presence alone gives me chills, but I do not feel cold. This is all souding cliche. But it's ok, because you're going to be reading this, and everything I'm saying is going to slip through you like the sand in a broken hourglass. You won't comprehend. You won't understand. Then again, does anyone understand any of this? It's like the sand in the broken hourglass. Why worry about the time because for us, it was never there to begin with.
Why am I still here dropping hints like so? Why do I bother? I have so many questions for both you and myself. When I'm with you I never bother asking those questions. In that moment being there is enough. More cliche words: As soon as I'm with you it just all makes sense. Are you aware? Of course not. Why?
I saw the way your eyes scanned the room as mine did. But we were not looking for each other. Your mind was wandering. Places you'd rather be, people you'd rather see. My apologies for not being everything you wanted.
I just hope your happy.