I think a part of me wants to apologize

But another part thinks that's your job.
I hate seeing you so alone.
I think this last week in a half was the hardest I've had in a long time. Not the hardest ever, oh no. But I was doing so good, and felt so happy and alive. And what made it seem worse, was no one would come over, or even call to console me. Not that I needed a bunch of consoling, or expected people to do it. I mean it's always just nice to have a friend there.
But the point is, today wasn't all bad. Little things scattered throughout the day seemed to give me hope. Real hope too, if you can competely etablish the difference between false hope and real hope.
The bags under my eyes mark how long it's been
kind of like how you can tell a trees age by it's rings.
When i do close my eyes
all I see is summer
and I can almost smell your scent.
And I thought about all those moments when a "wish you were here" didn't even seem to cut it.
Gloomy days and gloomy smiles, that somehow get us by. Finding hope in each other, in the fact that the other one is as miserable as the other, and we're not completely alone.
A part of me misses the way your words always had such meaning, every time they'd slowly trail off your lips, and all the passion in your eyes. But there's that other part of me that knows it was never really gone. There's the days when I think it's all hopeless, but I know you're always there for me, even when I didn't believe it. One thing I learned these past few months, I'm always loved even though it rarely feels like it.
I want to live again. Let's re-ignite the passion in our eyes. Fall back in touch. Two teenagers who don't give a damn about the world around them. Carefree. Rememeber how we used to be?
I was thinking the other day that everything happens for a reason. Like I was meant to know every person I do. And if somehow the relationship failed, the reason was that I learned from it and grew. I really think there's a reason for all of this....
ox

A new perspective

This is the first time I think of all this
with a smile, instead of all the tears
I'm glad it all happened, and that I grew.
And it's almost ok that it's all gone.
Just because I can make new memories with new people.

It was our talks about life, and how we said we were convinced the world was in it's descent. It was the 10pm coffee binges, while our hands were intertwined. The funny thing is then all we could do was complain then. It was the running through the puddles, and you laughing at how I stood in the rain hours on end. Then there was the time I stood in the rain for hours, waiting. It felt different without you. It was going to the latest showing of the latest possible movie just so we could spend a bit more time together. It was talking about our favorite artists, even though we aren't ones ourselves. We were in our own way. And I still smile every time I think about the wishing well. Every wish i made for you. Because when all this was going on, all our talks, and connections, there was something missing. And every wish was for us to find it. But that's what happened, we didn't. Every penny was wasted. And how the late night conversations got earlier and earlier every night. You told me I was a good girl. I'm still trying to figure it out.
This time around, no pennies will be wasted.

speaking of wasted...that last blog entry makes me laugh, oh the memories. It's been too long.
exoh