You don't know what now to do, 'cause the chase is all you know

On june 23 I wrote "New beginings....I talk about them alot.But I think something's going to happen soon" if only I knew then how right I was.
on June 29, I wrote "I've met someone I'll wait for.How many times have I said "i'm tired of waiting on/for you" Maybe I'm just impatient.But there he was, sitting there like he owned the world. Probably unware of so. And now I'm waiting. But I don't mind this time."
the thing is, I didn't think I'd be waiting this long. And I still don't mind, and it's scaring me. There are times when I think it's slightly pathetic to still wait, after all, if nothing has happened by now, it probably never will. But boys like him don't come around to often, almost never. I still believe there is hope for everything. My friends say it doesn't make sense. The whole me not giving up. this has lasted longer than a lot of relationships had. But the thing is, when you meet someone like this, you can't just wake up one day and say "this has gone on for too long" and make the feelings disappear. And I suppose most normal people would have told him how they feel by now. But, let's face it, i"m not quite normal. And I"ve really thought about it. But he's been going through some rough times, and i figured, right now he just needs a good friend to be there for him. And I"m going to do that. He doesn't need another girl chasing after him to feed his ego. I'm not sure if that's a good way to look at it, but it's how I see it.
So I guess I'll keep on waiting, and hope something works out, or someone else comes along as great as I made this person out to be.
I've been keeping up this blog for about 8 months now. maybe 9. I don't think I've changed too much. Maybe I have matured, but with everything that's happened, I had too. As you probably figured, I still feel the exact same about the same boy. But maybe it's gotten stronger as I've gotten to know him more. I still talk too much. I'm still optimistic about almost everything. I kind of wish I had changed just to keep up with everyone around me. But then again, I'm quite satisfied with being myself.
long enough, eh?
ps. -I kind of hope you read this.

I'm not going to apologize for never posting here

because I already have enough apologies to make. It's interesting...how much you can fuck something up in just a few hours. a lot has changed since I've talked to you. I kind of wish that you realized when i called you, "do you want to chill?" meant something more. Not exactly an "I need help" but an "i've had a rough day and want someone there" I understand you were busy. Busy doing other things, with other people. But I'm starting to think if I had done one thing different, called one other person, I wouldn't feel so terrible now.
You see, it was one of those days where everthing should have been great, but something felt off. I kind of wanted to relax with someone; I miss connecting. Instead I ended up being selfish and hurting someone I really care(d) about. I guess this is the point of all of this-I'm sorry. You know who you are. There's really no excuse for what I did. And I know I"m human and as a homosapien we're going to screw things up. And as humans we're going to try and blame other people, for our own faults. When we do fuck up, we have to accept in, apologize, hope for forgivness and move on. So this is where the apology comes in.
Onto lighter things-
Well, I can't think of any lighter things.
I'm curious though- is there something wrong with me? I've been nothing but a good friend to you. I've been there for you, and let you know that whenever you need me I'd be there, just like that. I hate people being upsept, especially you. But instead of coming to me, you run to whatever girl it is this week. And after that doesn't work out, that's when you come to me. I listen to you talk about how great you thought she was, but how something was wrong. I just want to kow- what about me? There is something wrong with me. (other than me being the needy person I am)
I need to stop being so hard on myself.
ok bye

it's about that same damn boy

You know i'd kill to have the feeling I have when I'm with this one person. It's an amazing thing when you can feel that happy just being with one person. Not doing anything, not talking, but the fact that they're there just makes it alright. A part of me really wishes I could get over this person. I sit there staring at him, trying my hardest to find reasons to not like him. but I only find myself falling in love with all of his oddities. Every time telling him crosses my mind, he somehow seems to drop subtle hints that he doesn't think of me that way. Or maybe I imagine it. Maybe it wasn't supposed to work out at all. But then why am I feeling all of this? Why have i had this strong of feelings this long? It's just getting so fucking frustrating.

i don't really know what else to say because it's getting so redundant.

Keep smiling. really, I love your smile.

I know the timing isn't great, but these things you just can't plan

Don't think I haven't noticed all those looks you've given me. Looks like that have to be genuine. True? I'm dying to hear the word yes. You can have the best of me, although that isn't saying much because there are times where I feel like the biggest fuck up ever. And if you really think about it, you are the best of me.

I know it, doll. We both have secrets. Mine? I'd die for you. And I don't even think that's an exageration anymore. And maybe when you're reading this, you'll feel terrified, in a way. But then again, I'm terrified.